Confessions of a Cidiot will be on hiatus from March 18th until June 3rd, when it will begin again. I could turn on a tap and fill up a glass, saddle up to a drinking fountain, or on hot summer days there was nothing more satisfying then sticking your face in the path of a garden hose and opening wide. Oh to be a free range water drinker, had it not been so natural it would've felt like the sweet life. And then came bottled water. Well technically I wasn't there for the birth of bottled water, that credit goes to the Roman Empire, but they lacked polyethylene terephtalate, or recyclable plastic as those of us who didn't spend a small fortune on diploma collecting call it. Mineral water was already gaining fans but with the birth of polyethylene terephtalate suddenly we could choose between glacial, spring, well, or repackaged tap water. At first it was a big joke, a punch line to jokes about Hollywood and the rich, but then slowly more and more of us started trading in the tap for the 24 pack, and suddenly we ceased to be free range becoming tied down to water coolers, fridges, and store shelves. And now its hard to go back. The idea of raising garden hose to mouth on a warm summers day seems akin to a feast of roasted plague rats, bird flu marinated chickens, and a big juicy mad cow steak. It's a miracle I survived my youth. When I am at a persons house and they offer a glass of water, if their hand passes the fridge and heads towards the sink I feel the need to inquire, "tap water? Really? What am I to you? Some common dish? A utensil?" Clearly my water domestication is well ingrained in me. That brings me to last night. I was a bit thirsty and in need of a nice cool glass of water. I headed for the kitchen, obviously the only place in a home one can find water suited for anything other then cleaning your body. Passing the metal basin in the middle of the counter where dishes queue for their turn in the dish washer I headed straight for the water cooler. My cool water dispensing friend, usually full and bubbly, looked alarmingly empty. At first I hoped it was just an optical illusion, perhaps the light bouncing off the plastic container in a funny way. I studied the water cooler, circling it, looking at it from all sides, from above, below... it still seemed kind of empty. Maybe there was some hidden reservoir within the base of the cooler, some oasis where water sits patiently as it waits for me to lap it up. Cautiously I put my cup under the dispenser, pushed the button, and waited to be pleasantly surprised. A trickle of water came out, just enough to evaporate by the time the cup hits my lips. "Why are you doing this water cooler?" I asked. It didn't seem to have an explanation. Thirsty I didn't know what to do. I needed water, but where could I find it? I considered running out to a 24-hour grocery store and buying some, but it was 2 AM and wearing pants no longer felt like an option. Would I have to go thirsty? Suffer through the night? It certainly felt like it. Then I remembered my youth, I recalled the garden hoses, taps, and those public water dispensing things that seemed as quaint as a phone booth. I eyed the metal dish basin suspiciously. Could I? Should I? Would I wake up with a nasty case of the Norwalk? I was pretty thirsty, a little tired, and just crazy enough to try. I walked over to the sink and turned it on. It felt hotter then drinking water should. Remembering how to operate the contraption it occurred to me I had to adjust the temperature. "Hey Water Cooler, can you believe this sink? It doesn't even know how to cool a drink to proper drinking standard!" Filling my glass I cautiously raised it to my mouth, fearful of the fact that no soda pop or chocolate bar corporation had certified my beverage. I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers... almost lost my grip on the cup, uncrossed my fingers, and then had a sip. And you know it wasn't bad. But there isn't anyway I'd kick my bottled water habit and return to the ways of free range sipping. I remember though when the concept of paying for a bottle of water seemed laughable. Those crazy Californians we thought. You know what they are up to these days in LA? Designer Oxygen. The last time I was down there I stopped in at an Oxygen Bar where I could sample the latest scents like fresh cut grass or grapefruit for a dollar a minute. I hear they are even starting to sell the stuff in cans. I was going to make a joke here, but it just occurred to me you hear about those air borne virus' all the time, maybe Pepsi Brand Oxygen wouldn't be so bad...
Have you noticed how quiet Al Gore gets during the winter? The last thing you want is some Nobel Peace Prize/inventor of the Internet going around saying the world is getting to warm when icicles are forming off your eye lids. Nah, they might notice it. 
I like Al Gore, I like to imagine he would've made a good president, but here's a good Al Gore related exercise to occupy your mind when you're are shoveling for the fifth time in one day: ask yourself what exactly did he do to win a Nobel PEACE prize? How is talking about something everyone else is talking about bringing peace to anyone?
"What? Mr. Gore says green house gases are going to cause the polar ice caps to melt? Let's lay down our weapons men!"
We all just went a little Al Gore crazy last year, there wasn't an award we couldn't give him! Nobel prizes and Oscars and an Emmy, why I'm pretty sure he also received the WNBA's Rookie of the Year.
Say what you want about his defense, but his drive to the net has all the ladies scrambling.
Right, I digress, I was doing what most of my fellow Canadians like to do, complain about the winter.
I usually try to rise above complaining about such a predictable thing as a season, but a few days ago winter turned on me, and now the gloves (or mittens) are off.
See I had just performed stand-up comedy that night, and it felt good, felt like a really good show. So after all the post show partying my girlfriend and I were driving back to my place.
Did I mention I was feeling good?
It was about 2 AM and the adrenaline was still coursing through my body from the flight or fight response that is standing alone on a stage to a room full of people looking at you as you try to make them laugh. And on this night I did, so maybe I didn't make the right decision, maybe I was just a little to cocky.
I decided to take a short cut on my way home.
I cut through this alley which immediately was a bad idea. Ice and hardened snow gave my shocks a work out. If we weren't bouncing we were skidding.
But I knew this alley and I knew we'd come out on the other side of it quickly.
I knew this alley.
Really.
I did...
...I thought.
Okay, so I couldn't find where the lane way exited back onto the other street. I could've sworn I should've already found it, but here I was still bouncing along.
Then I saw it, the break in garages and back yard fences, my sweet escape.
I turned down it without giving it a second thought.
I probably should've given it a second thought.
Quickly it became clear that this was not part of the public lane way, this was a family's driveway. A family who didn't really practice the art of shoveling their driveway.
Here I was driving right up alongside their house, middle of the night, my headlights bouncing in their windows, but I couldn't turn back now. I was committed. I had to just keep on going.
Within moments I was stuck fast, the battle between snow and tire ringing in a knock out. I wasn't moving anywhere.
I sat there in a strangers driveway contemplating my options. I could wake the people in the house up and explain I had somehow found myself stuck on their property.
No, it really was to cold to stand outside and wait for someone to answer their door. Maybe, I figured, I could just abandon my car and come back for it in the spring.
I could go all Oprah on this family's ass.
"Look under your iced over lawn chairs! It's keys to a five year old car!"
Nah, then I'd have to do that whole 'walking' thing again. Things were hopeless, I was doomed. I sat there wallowing in my own defeat.
It was sometime between me imagining how I'd stick car keys to the under side of a chaise lounge and sobbing quietly into my steering wheel that my trusty girlfriend Amanda, got out and pushed the car free.
Yes, she may wear the pants in this relationship, but I like to think my butt looks cute in a skirt.
