Hanging Up Is Hard to Do

Ever since Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone we've been at odds with our phone company, well that is if we can get through to our phone company. It's a little known fact actually that a week after patenting his first telephone Alexander Graham Bell set up the first call center in order to wear down those wishing to complain about their service before they could reach Bell himself. It is yet further a little known fact that three and a half weeks after this everyone at Alexander Graham Bell's call center were laid off and their jobs outsourced to India.

He was a progressive man.

Alexander Graham Bell would soon after give the Canadian patents of his creation to his father Melville Bell and they both went to work setting up their own Bell Telephone companies. Why one of them did not have a more original idea then using their last name history may never know, but what is certain is that it'd be much harder to be mad at the sight of a bill from Melville then from Bell.

Either way the telephone spread like wildfire and before long most of North America was ringing with the news they had just won a trip to Florida from a contest they weren't entirely convinced they ever entered.

Within decades the monopoly on the telephone ended, new companies began sprouting up in North America and worldwide. Companies with names like Thus, Belgacom, and Cricket... but sadly still no Melville.

Perhaps because of this increased competition I got a call from one such company not to long ago, it went like this...

“Is this Mr. Robertson?” a woman asked me from the other end of the phone.

“Yes?” I replied with uncertainty in my voice.

“Mr. Robertson I’m calling on behalf of your phone company.”

“Okay?”

“We have received notice that you switched your long distance plan from us to another provider, is this true?”

“Yes?”

“Mr. Robertson, why did you leave us?”

“I just decided to,” I said, confident that this answer would be sufficient.

“How can I get you to come back to?”

“I really don’t…”

“Please Mr. Robertson, come back to us.”

Suddenly flashbacks of me being on the other end of this very same conversation with ex-girlfriends hit me.

“I don’t know,” I replied, still suffering from reverse déjà vu.

“Is your other plan better then ours?” the woman asked.

I waited a beat to see if she’d add, “is your new plan prettier then ours? Smarter? Humour you no matter how dorky your jokes?”

She didn’t.

“Uh, yeah.” I finally said.

“Would you mind if I ask exactly what your plan is then?” she said, suppressed resentment in her voice.

“I don’t really know offhand.”

“Well if you don’t mind me saying if this other plan of yours was so great I think you’d remember it.”

Oh, cat fight!

“I just don’t know offhand.” I said again.

“Well Mr. Robertson why don’t you tell me what it would take to bring you back to us?”

I thought about rhyming off some ridiculous rider that they’d have to submit to in order to win back my long distance charges. Maybe a cheesecake on the first of every month, camouflage coloured M&M’s, or perhaps a canary that could sing hits from the 70s, 80s, and depending on my mood, 90s.

Then I realized my TV show was back from commercials.

“Sorry, this is really a bad time for me.” I said, straining to hear what was playing in the other room.

“Mr. Robertson, please, we’re just concerned about you, we don’t want to see you paying more, we don’t want you to have to pay more then one bill.”

Was this the same company that had threatened to cut off my service for a late payment so many months ago? When had they changed their corporate message from “we don’t need you, your beneath us” to one of concern and empathy?

“Sorry,” I offered, “this really is a bad time, we’ll talk about this later.”

“Okay Mr. Robertson, but before I let you go I feel I should let you know that if any of the phone jacks in your home become broken or damaged we’ll charge you $100 dollars, unless you pay us five dollars a month”

Blackmail and threats? This really was a break-up.

I waited for the inevitable, “…and you might want to be careful next time you drive, you never know when those brakes might accidentally give out.”

When she didn’t say anything further I hung up, happy to know the phone company was still deep down the customer loathing corporation we know and love.

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