A bit of a disclaimer of sorts: Though I pride myself on true life stories here within the column margins of Confessions of a Cidiot, today we step away briefly from that to witness an Imagine-actment of a discussion between myself and my agent who is looking to cash in on the trend of celebrity publishing. Though many of the facts before you, from a learning disability to having met a certain celebrity mentioned below through a party are true, the rest is purely an exaggeration. Of course my agent would never ask me to get addicted to cocaine… it was ecstasy.
The setting, my agent’s office. One of those talks to discuss the trajectory of my career.
Agent: Robertson I’m glad you could come in.
Me: It’s good to see you again.
Agent: Look don’t get to excited son, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Me: Alright?
Agent: Firstly we’re going to have’ta drop the whole comedy thing; I mean what is this, the 90s? Think you’ll land a few minutes on the talk shows, get yourself an HBO special, then land a sitcom? No, passé. We’re in the… zeros?
Me: I’ve heard the decade be called the double O’s.
Agent: Whatever, the point is we’ve got a whole new career path lined up for you.
Me: Oh?
Agent: It’s called the autobiography, and I know what you’re thinking but no, they’re not just for old people anymore!
Me: I don’t understand, why would…
Agent: There’s big bucks in the thing, and I want my 30 percent.
Me: 20 percent.
Agent: Right, whatever.
Me: Why would anyone want to read my autobiography?
Agent: I asked myself the same thing. Who is this kid who cracks jokes about God knows what? Who wants to read about him? So I had the boys draft up a few ideas.
Me: Ideas abou…
Agent: Well sorry, slip of the tongue, twenty five percent of the boy’s are women, HR says I’ve got to start referring to them as junior associates.
Me: Okay, but these ideas, what are they?
Agent: First of all we need a relationship, gorgeous celebrity, obviously more famous then you.
Me: Obviously.
Agent: From there we can take a number of routes. Pre-marital pregnancy, shotgun wedding in Vegas, you cheat on her with her maid. Whatever, so long as you’ve got intimate moments to dish about and are able to whine about living in her shadow we should have half a book right there, and hey if you can somehow get her to abuse you, even better.
Me: You’re joking right?
Agent: You know Scarlett Johansson right?
Me: Yeah well we met a couple of years ago at this party and…
Agent: Perfect.
My agent pounds a few keys on his telephone.
Agent: Robyn, call Scarlett’s people, tell them we’d like to set up a meeting.
Phone: Please hang up and try your call again…
Agent: Great, consider it done Robertson.
Phone: …this is a recording.
My agent pounds a few more keys on the telephone.
Me: I really don’t think this is a good idea.
Agent: What’re you turning down a chance to date Scarlett? You’re not batting for the other team are you son?
Me: What? No, I just think…
Agent: Although that would make for an interesting plot twist, comedian deals with being in the closet.
Me: I’m not in the closet, out of the closet, or having much to do with closets. In fact I’ve got a number of reliable sources that’ll tell you my wardrobe is really more of a floor-drobe.
I laugh, my agent just looks at me funny.
Agent: So Scarlett it is. But I don’t think we can center the whole thing around that, we need more.
My agent scribbles a number on a post-it note before handing it to me.
Agent: My dealer, tell him you’re interested in a little freebase cocaine. Just make sure you do the stuff and don’t just say you do, I had this client James Frey, train wreck.
Me: I’m not doing cocaine!
Agent: Relax, the agency will pay your rehab bills. Now our research has found you being born in
Me: This is all insane.
Agent: We’re also going to need to really play that learning disability thing of yours for tears, milk it. It worked for Albert Einstein; you can be the Einstein of comedy.
Me: I really don’t think I should be ‘milking’ something I worked hard to overcome.
Agent: Great, perfect. Worked hard to overcome. This autobiography is writing itself! Speaking of which, here’s a list of writer’s for you to consider.
My agent hands me a list.
Me: Why would I need a writer to write my story? I’m a writer.
Agent: Uh huh, yes you are. Just read over that list and make a decision by morning. You know I think we’ve really found the career path that’s right for you this time. One more thing before you go though.
Me: Let me guess, you want me to be the butler for the royal family for a couple of years then write a tell-all?
Agent: No, those sorts of things don’t sell in the south.
Me: What then?
Agent: Can you show me how to get my phone off vibrate?
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