A Cidiot's Guide to Gas Prices

So the cost of a barrel of oil hit its all time high and I was paying for it out the nose at the gas pumps. I mean I was literally paying out the nose, let me warn you people, have a firm grip of the twenty dollar bill when you go to snort cocaine.

No, I don’t really do cocaine… I might, if I weren’t so poor from paying my petroleum dealer around the corner.

A lot of you are asking why? And by 'why' I don't mean why did I make that last joke if it wasn’t based on a firm bed of truth, but rather why are we paying more for gas now then we ever did?

Well folks, good news, I’ve come up with a theory:

They are having trouble finding the crude oil.

See a lot of the gas we know and love comes from places like Texas, Alberta, and Saudi Arabia.

Now in Texas a little thing known as Creationism has been catching on. Creationism is the belief that all life and the universe it exists in were created as is at the birth of time, and nothing has changed since.

Some in Texas say Creationism should be taught in schools instead of evolution. This argument has less to do with what these people believe in, and more because it’s a lot easier to get a good mark in grade ten science when you're not memorizing terms like “Thermotogales” and “Halophiles” and instead can score an A+ by circling “God did it” all the way through your multiple choice quiz.

I should note that a Halophile is a creature adapted to thriving in conditions with an extremely high concentration of salt; it is not someone who has a strange and unstoppable turn on for guys who play Halo. To any of my more nerdy readers I am sorry, I did not mean to get your hopes up about the chance of getting a date to this years prom.

Although you know ironically many Halo players live off an inordinate amount of salty snacks.

But I digress.

Alberta, that flat and fun loving Canadian province also seems to be catching Creationist fever, they are opening a museum dedicated to it.

Not to be outdone Saudi Arabia is getting into Islamic Creationism. It’s similar to Christian Creationism, although notably with less arguments ending in “what would Jesus do/think/say?”

But what does all this have to do with gas prices?

Come on people, do I have to spell it out for you? I sure hope not, because spelling things out isn't exactly my strong suit... well, unless accompanied by spell check.

Any creationist will tell you fossils are dead animals who couldn’t get on board Noah’s Ark before the flood came, just going to show they should’ve booked their tickets through Travelocity.

Now fossils, when soaked in mud and sediment and left to sit for a few million years will produce gasoline, if you like the sound of this recipe I recommend Rachael Ray's zooplankton recipe found in her book, “30 Millennium Meals.”

Unfortunately we are told Noah’s flood happened much more recently then four hundred million years ago, so Creationists can’t rightfully believe in gasoline.

Therefore there are a lot of Creationist oil companies having trouble finding any gas out there.

“How’d drilling go today?”

“Came up dry, just a bunch of global flood victim bones.”

And so you see, we are faced with mass shortages of petroleum.

Really? Is this true?

No, but that’s okay! We’re fed all sorts of lines about why oil is so much. Increased demand from third world countries, wars, hedge funds buying and selling oil contracts, a declining US dollar, one lone oil platform catching on fire off the Gulf of Mexico… are these excuses really more plausible?

Now where did I leave my rolled up twenty…

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