The Taken Seat

Some time had passed since 'Kool-Aid Gate' and my girlfriend Amanda thought it was safe to go back to a movie theater with me. She had several drink based conditions but still, she hesitantly agreed to go with me.

Boy, was that a mistake.

Now I am a man of principals, and I don't mean your standard "thou shalt not kill" or "thou shall not commit adultery"... don't get me wrong, I generally adhere to these principals, although come on, who hasn't done something unholy on the Sabbath?

Sure it bugs me when my bike gets stolen or someone lies to me, but these aren't really the principals I fight for.

Here's one that I do fight for: say I have a keen ability to read what time a movie starts and a general knack of arriving before this published time. Say this super human ability allows me to get prime seats in the theater, ones that you yourself may covet.

Now lets say you don't trust what is written on the Internet, in newspapers, what is listed on the marquee and printed up on your tickets. Let's say you don't believe in time. So you arrive just barely before the movie starts.

Naturally I would think your mind would say "I was late, clearly I don't deserve as good a seats as that strapping curly haired Adonis."

Let me stop and explain for a second, by Adonis I am not referring to my manly good lucks, but rather my ability to inspire women to plant vegetables, and ultimately my inevitable future death on the tusks of a wild bore... but I could see how you would make this mistake.

Now continuing with my point...

For some reason a vast number of people don't think this way, they believe that they should have prime seating, and so, even though there are a lot of other sitting options open and available to them, they choose to sit next to me.

When there are other seat choices, I should not be forced to share an arm rest and leg room with you. And yet I sit there quietly, not saying a word.

That is until the other day when I decided to stand up for my principals! To become the Dark Knight of Obscure Social Taboos! Defender of the anal retentive, voice of the neurotic!

I do hope you read that last paragraph with the enthusiasm my exclamation marks instructed you to give it. As the author I am instructing you to go back and re-read it if you failed to properly the last time around.

So like I was saying, this small group of people decide to sit in the row myself and Amanda in, no big deal, until the guy at the end of the group makes a motion for my seat.

Again normally I would let this slide and just be secretly bitter for the rest of the night, but for some reason I felt inspired on this night.

I quickly put my popcorn down in the seat before he could make his move.

Caught off guard he looked at me, trying to size me up.

"Is someone sitting there?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah someone is," I said before I could even think about the words I was saying.

"Really?" I must've had a bad poker face, he wasn't buying it at all.

"Yeah, really, someone is," I don't cut and run on my lies.

Backing down the guy led his group to one of the wide open rows closer to the screen. Perhaps it was wrong of me to deny this man the seat he sought. Perhaps, but with empty rows why should we have to cram together?

Karma looked like it'd catch up to me in the parking lot after the movie. Throughout the previews the man who had been denied my 'taken' seat looked back at me, seeing if someone was going to sit in that chair.

I should mention that the guy was tough looking, and by tough I mean street tough, not shrunken scrotum needle jabbing weight lifter tough. Admittedly he wasn't the best choice to test the whole 'standing up for principals' policy on.

"He kind of looks like he wants to stab you on the way to the car," my girlfriend whispered to me.

I was starting to get a little worried.

That's when a group of young teenage girls walked into the theater, and naturally, they wanted to sit next to me.

Fearing for my life and needing someone to occupy the 'taken' chair I didn't object.

But now I needed to sell this thing.

Whenever the tough and dejected seat suitor turned back to me, which was far to often, I would turn to the young girl beside me, trying to fake like we knew each other, like we were talking, like maybe, just maybe we were friends.

The only possible logic behind my friendship with this girl would be a) that I was an online predator, or b) that I had fathered her at the ripe old age of eight. Yet I felt my life was riding on me selling this, and so I tried.

"Ehauh" I mumbled in her direction, over exaggerating hand and mouth movements for my audience a few rows up.

The girl looked at me, not sure whether to feel sorry for my apparent turrets, or to ready her mace.

Once the movie got started the seat suitor seemed to lose interest in me, and I breathed a sigh of relief, that is until the movie came to an end.

Practically knocking over my girlfriend I tried rushing to exit with the teenage girls, trying to look like I was following their story about a trip to a mall.

I can't say I sold the role, I can't say my girlfriend was to impressed, but I can tell you Babydoll's are 40% of from now until Tuesday, and I can tell you I'll think twice before defending my principals again.

Did you enjoy this column? Want to share it with someone?

Click to Email Column to Friends

And don't forget the easy way to ensure you don't miss the latest installment of Cidiot, just hit Subscribe