Pundits, Scandals, and a Facebook News Feed

I am on a weeks hiatus from my comedy show (Third Banana), so naturally with a week off I have to be hit by a bad cold. It's given me a lot of time to sit around and watch 24 hour news channels and marvel at the lengths they go to fill each one of those hours.

I've also been filling commercial breaks checking Facebook, following my 'news feed' of what friends are up to. Combined in some sick head cold of a hallucinogenic imagination I began to wonder what it'd be like if all our lives were followed by a 24 hour news network...

Jackson Cooper: We're going to take you now to a story that is just breaking.

GFX: An elaborate animated sequence takes over half our television with the words "Situation Chat Up"

Jackson Cooper: Derek has been sighted at a local video store engaged in what some witnesses describe as flirting. For more we turn to DNN reporter Judy Owen, joining us via phone.

Jackson: Judy you are on the scene right now can describe what is going on around you?

Judy: Hello Jackson, I'm here at the site of the video store. It's quiet here now but just moments ago witnesses believe they witnessed Derek flirting with a video store clerk.

Jackson: A video store clerk? Now this is something new! Can you confirm this?

Judy: No, no not at all, but I overheard someone saying it and I've been asked to update you on this situation, so I thought I'd report it.

Jackson: Thank you Judy. Well some fascinating new information on Situation Chat Up, we'll be staying with this as it continues to unfold. But first, joining us now our regular panel of Derek Robertson experts. Lisa Sax, former Derek dater.

Lisa: Hi Jackson.

Jackson: Shelley Schultz, an adviser to Derek's girlfriend Amanda.

Shelley: Evening Jackson.

Jackson: And Ed O'Neill, token University professor.

Ed: Good to be back Jackson.

Jackson: We're glad to have your irrelevant opinion join us again too Ed, but first Lisa, is Derek chatting up a video sales jockey?

Lisa: I think its a little early for us to make that sort of judgment, if we...

Shelley: A little early? Unidentified witnesses may have seen it happen, and you know Jackson, I think the question we should be asking is not what happened, but how is this going to impact Derek's girlfriend?

Ed: You know it's interesting...

Lisa: I am sorry Shelley, but I've got a long history with Derek and this is just not credible.

Ed: If I could add, what is interesting is...

Shelley: Slut.

Lisa: Excuse me?

Jackson: Sorry, I need to jump in here, Ed, what are your thoughts?

Ed: What is interesting is that if we use history as a guide we can point to a number of times when Derek went out of his way to try and make sales clerks laugh, for instance the infamous 2005 American Eagle incident.

Shelley: Which makes todays situation all the more alarming.

Lisa: I think we need to remember during the 2005 American Eagle incident the sales clerk convinced Derek to buy a pink polo shirt, so who was playing who? Who Jackson was the real victim?

Ed: It's true Jackson, he did look like popular pink ball shaped Nintendo character Kirby.

Shelley: I don't think we should get distracted from the issues here...

Jackson: I'm sorry, we're going to have to cut away for a moment, I am getting word someone was uploaded a video of what we've dubbed Situation Chat Up.

A grainy cell phone video plays of two shapes having mumbled conversation before we cut back to Jackson.

Jackson: This story is blowing wide open, so now lets check back in with our pundits, Ed?

Ed: You know Jackson, we have to look at the bigger picture, digital downloads and rentals are on the rise, video stores are quickly becoming outdated, will history remember this as the day Derek was left behind?

Jackson: Another excellently crafted off topic question to fill the void while we wait for real facts to fill this newscast.

Ed: They don't go giving out the title of professor to everyone.

Everyone laughs awkwardly.

Jackson: We're going to continue to monitor this breaking news story, but first let's check in with some other stories we are following.

Jackson turns to another camera.

Jackson: As laundry goes unchecked for another day, is Derek on the verge of running a clean clothes deficit?

William Shakespeare once wrote "All the world's a stage, yadda, yadda, yadda..." you've heard it a million times, quoted by seemingly everyone. But maybe in the 21st Century things are different. With the internet merging with our obsession for information we begin to follow the lives of those around us more as a viewer then as a player. Perhaps all the world is a newscast, and all the men and women merely micro celebrities, they have their scandals and their fluff pieces, and one man in his time plays out many prime time stories, his segments being seven ages.

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Game, Set-up, Match

The singe life (remarkably this has not yet been the title of a short lived sitcom), a time that many in a long term relationship seem to romanticize… well I suppose romanticize what with its root word conjuring images of flowers, chocolate and a healthy dose of door holding, isn’t exactly the right word. It’s about the freedom, the seemingly endless options, and the lack of a significant other to argue with.

Myself (a long term relationship participant)… well I just don’t seem to remember single life that way. Sure yes like anyone I had my good single times, but really all I can remember is the amount of work.

There’s the whole asking a girl out… except, you know, you don’t just ask her out do you? You have to sound slightly more modern then Richie Cunningham asking a Mary Beth or Mary Sue to be his date to the Sock Hop. Yet you need to make it clear you’re not asking her to hang out as a friend.

You need to lay a ground work of flirting, but of course even this needs to be measured. You don’t want to come off as a “macho pig” (to quote Jessie Spano, naturally) but at the same time you don’t want to deliver some half hearted compliment about her shoes that gives off that flamboyant friend vibe.

If you pull off the proper levels and feel you’re winning her over and decide now is the time to convert this into something, well then you have to prepare yourself for rejection.

It happens… sometimes a girl will in fact deem you not worthy of getting a free meal, drink, or movie out of. But you know, that’s not exactly how they’ll put it. Granted I can’t really predict how you’ll be rejected. If I could I’d be pretty mad, that’d kind of be the worst superhero power ever. “What’s this? Rejection sense tingling… sir, do not approach that woman! She is going to tell you she is just getting over a really serious relationship!”

Superhero jokes, now maybe you can predict some of the reasons I was rejected in those crazy days of singledom. Let’s jump back a bit and pretend none of this has happened…

Granted I can’t really predict how you’ll be rejected. There are of course a few tried and true lines.

“Let’s just be friends,” a classic (with several variations). Guys let me translate, when a girl says let’s just be friends she’s simply saying “makeovers yes, making out no way in hell.”

Then there’s the next level of rejection, the “you’re like a brother to me.” Again allow me to translate. “You’re like a brother to me,” meaning: it’d be a crime for me to be with you, so don’t even try.

Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t view being single as all doom and gloom. Sometimes you really do connect with that other person and phone numbers are exchanged.

Or maybe not anymore? For all I know I’ve been in a relationship so long that I’ve become dated, maybe it’s all gone digital now. Exchange last names and Facebook one another. Which actually would be handy. I have to admit there have been times when I guiltily realized I didn’t even know the girls full name and we had past the point of asking.

But if sending a message on Facebook really is the in, are there rules for this? “Hey man, be careful, you don’t want to look over eager. Wait 1 day to add her as a friend. Now if your going to wall post that bitch wait 1 more day, but a private message man, 2 days.”

I haven’t asked around, but I assume there are rules. I mean with the phone number there were always rules; everyone had their own opinion, their own advice. “Wait this long till you call her…”

So no, I don’t miss the wild single days. For all the fun times, it really is a lot of work in-between. However I was recently asked to serve as wingman for a friend.

Oh to be a wingman. For a guy whose in a relationship the role of wingman is like retiring from professional hockey and then coming back to play in the old-timers game. You don’t want to come out of retirement, but you’re happy to strap on those skates for a night just to remember the rush, to prove to yourself you’ve still got it.

As a wingman you aren’t out to get the girl, you’re just there to make your friend look good. Which I guess thinking about it maybe old-timer’s hockey game isn’t the best analogy. You’re more the team that’s scripted to loose to the Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah, that works better… you’re the Atlantic City Seagulls.

Now for those of you unfamiliar, the role of wingman is a complex one. You are required to wear many hats all at once... though not literally as a guy who dons a lot of headwear all at once is probably not a good choice for wingman.

Here are the (remember figurative) hats:

The Coach

You’re Mickey Goldmill, the trainer, the motivator. Sure you’ve retired but you’re there to help those who are still in the game to realize their potential. If you can also somehow tie in a montage of punching hanging carcasses of meat and dramatically running up a flight of stairs this is always a fan favorite, however it may not improve your point man’s game. In fact some studies suggest fists soaked in carcass juice may turn off women.

The Secret Agent

No, you’re not James Bond. You don’t get the woman in the end. You’re 004 or something, the expendable character that helps Bond gather intelligence. Does the target have a boyfriend? Is she looking for something particular? Is her crazy-hot ratio off? It’s your job as wingman to get this information.

The Kamikaze

You’ve got someone to go home to at the end of the night, so go head first and embrace the crash. Open up the lines of communication at any cost, put yourself in the embarrassing or awkward position and don’t look back. If in the course of so doing you crash and burn, and this crash and/or burn sets your point man up perfectly, even better. Your buddy will be sure to buy you a Purple Heart from the bar for your sacrifice in the line of duty. And to clarify Purple Heart I am of course making an analogy of beer in place of the metal of honour awarded in the United States to those who are wounded or killed in the well serving their country. I am in no way making a reference to some sort of girly drink, as the good wingman knows that fruity drinks shall only be secretly consumed in the company of their girlfriend, not out with the guys.

The Blocker

From time to time your buddy will face obstacles while working his magic, another guy will try and get the girls attention, or maybe the girl’s friend will try and get her away from your point man. Whether you have to run conversational interference or you just need to tackle them, let nothing touch your QB.

The Hype Man

Like the guy in a rap group with the same name, the hype man is there to back up his point man. When he needs to take a breath, you jump in to fill the break in the conversation. When he makes a joke, you laugh. And like any good hip hop hype man you’re there to build up the excitement levels of your audience… though advisably not through the traditional rap method of call-and-response chants, this tends to confuse and scare the girl you are talking to, especially I have found if the girl your buddy is targeting is in a Starbuck’s and you begin your call-and-response by quoting a 1989 ‘2 Live Crew’ song, “if you believe in having sex, say ‘hell yeah!’” A more recommended advisable way of building excitement is to talk up your friend, really sell him. Though who knows, maybe it was just my delivery of 2 Live Crew that steered me wrong.

Yes sure it’s a tough job in its own right, but someone has to do it, and in the end, isn’t it a lot less stressful then asking the girl for her phone number? Or is that ask a girl for her name so you can search Facebook’s database for her and send a friend invite?

Call me old fashion but it just doesn’t have the same ring, I guess that’s what happens when you leave the game. There’s no way of predicting whether you’ve permanently retired or whether you’ll pull a Michael Jordan, nevertheless I’ll still be out there, serving as wingman. Setting my Globetrotter’s up to pants me as I go to take a free throw. It’s all in the name of entertaining the audience.

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