I am down in the United States right now, doing what I love to do when I am in this country, explore the television offerings from the country that created the medium.
There is one trend I’ve noticed recently, a lot of shows on the History Channel have been showing different theories about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, inspired I assume by the upcoming sequel to Nicolas Cage’s film National Treasure which deals with missing pages from John Wilkes Booth’s diary.
It feels like people have gone Abraham Lincoln crazy, at least on the History Channel, VH1 isn’t exactly running ‘I Love the 1860’s’ but at least on one network Lincoln is in vogue.
The theories range from lone gun man to Confederate conspiracy, each with their very own show. So I got to thinking, why should I miss out on this bandwagon. Why can’t I have a show presenting what may have really happened to Abraham Lincoln?
So I’ve got my diligent researchers here at Cidiot to look this thing up and I now present to you my theory of what really happened the night Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, a theory which I hope the History Channel will purchase for adaptation into a two hour prime time event.
The basic facts are these: On April 14th, 1865 President Abraham Lincoln and his wife attended the play ‘Our Amercian Cousin’. It was here that Booth snuck into the Presidential Box and shot Lincoln with a .44 caliber Derringer.
But what were Booth’s motivations? Did he act alone? These are the questions historians have set to answer for over a century.
Submitted for your approval (but more importantly for the approval of the executives at The History Channel) is one such theory. John Wilkes Booth did not set out to murder the President of the United States that fateful day. Instead he merely wanted to take in a performance of a play that was making a cultural impact.
See Booth was born to a family that lived for the theater. His father an actor, his mother an actress, he was raised on Shakespeare and breast milk… as this was a period before there was such a thing as the Gerber Baby and so William Shakespeare and breast milk had to fill a void canned baby food would eventually dominate.
Lincoln as we know also attended this performance of Our American Cousin but because of pressing Presidential business he arrived late. It’s not that he meant to be late, but when you are the leader of a country in the midst of civil war punctuality can occasionally be difficult.
And so poor Abraham Lincoln missed the beginning of the play and was forced to ask those around him in the Presidential Booth what exactly was going on.
“What did I miss?”
“Wait, who is she again?”
These were the questions reported to be whispered by Lincoln, who was by all accounts a loud whisperer, a fatal flaw that irritated many in the audience below throughout the first act.
These loud whispers bothered none more then Booth, a student of the theater who really didn’t appreciate the narrative being disturbed by the lanky man in the balcony. But what could be done? You cannot exactly shush the President of the United States.
During the intermission the President got himself caught up on who was who and why different characters were doing what they were doing. Meanwhile Booth’s girlfriend got him to calm down a little. Eyewitnesses say that had the night ended here disaster would have been diverted. But there were still two more acts in Tom Taylor’s play.
In act two the President revealed another personality quirk, something I have dubbed the Parrot Chuckle. For instance when the character of Lord Dundreary (the 19th Century Biff Tannen) delivered the mixed up aphorism “birds of a feather gather no moss,” the President would laugh along with the rest of the audience only that mid laugh he would repeat the last half of the funny line, in this instance “gather no moss.” Occasionally this would be followed by a knee slap, a shake of the head, and the words “God how do they come up with this stuff?”
This drove John Wilkes crazy, and eventually he snapped. Raising a finger to his mouth and looking up at the Presidential Box he issued a loud and forceful shush.
The President did not take notice. He continued Parrot Chuckling through the next act and a quarter as Booth’s shushing became louder and more constant to the horror of his girlfriend.
It should be noted that although Booth’s night at the theater had been ruined, he had not been pushed to homicide yet. This would come about in act three, scene two.
When we piece together eyewitness accounts we learn that President Lincoln performed the equivalent to the modern act of the teenager who sits through a movie text messaging the whole time, he began dictating a telegraph.
“Dear Ulysses STOP I am watching that American Cousin play you were going on about STOP You were right man, that Edward Sothern is pretty LMAO funny STOP Some people are coming over to hit the pipe after STOP Major Rathbone will be there STOP Should be off the hook STOP Join us in the west wing smoking room?”
John Wilkes Booth snapped, he got up and stormed off to the Presidential Box.
The timing was unfortunate for two reasons. One, it meant John Wilkes Booth missed his favorite line, "Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old man-trap..." And two, it meant the last words that Abraham Lincoln would hear were “Sockdolgizing old man-trap.”
And so was the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln, killed not for decisions made in office but for a general disregard of theater manners. Perhaps a far less dramatic end than history often leads us to believe, but for anyone who has ever sat near an obnoxious audience member, it’s a relatable tale.
Alright History Channel, my cell phone is on and I am ready to start receiving my residual cheques.
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those babies featured in Baby Genius' (and the sequel that begged the question, "wait, what? Someone watched the first Baby Genius movie?") it's been a long road to get here. 
There's this whole other thing, kind of important I suppose, about Denzel Washington being a brain washed assassin, but really the only thing I can focus on is why the Vice President? I mean sure as VP you can go around shooting friends in the face and have no one so much as bat an eye, but still, why not aim for say... the guy who runs the whole country? The Manchurian Candidate proves once and for all that big, hulking corporations can't get anything done, had anyone bothered to read that memo Stienberg from the Evil Schemes and Planning Department (ESPD) sent out they would've known President is the most powerful position... president.
