Clairvoyant Annoyant

My friend Garlande asked me to keep her company at something known as Psychic Expo, a yearly event where different people with paranormal abilities get together to sell these talents under one roof. It's a showcase of these paranormal abilities, abilities such as lying to earn a buck, delusions of grandeurs, and the ability to fill a convention with forty year old hippy women.

The psychics were all there in their booths, hawking fliers and vying for business like they were retired midway salesmen. One could opt to have their palm read, their tea leaves examined, or to flip over cards in a game where I imagine everyone is a looser. All this could be yours for the price of $60, that’s right, God gave these people a gift and then told them to go milk it for all its worth.

Now I didn’t get my palm read because I just don’t have a small fortune to spend on, well, my fortune, so I can't go into details on this process. What I can tell you is some of the wonderful services that can be found at the Psychic Expo.

Row after row, every booth Garlande and I passed we’d be greeted by an outstretched hand thrusting a pamphlet on us... I thought they were psychic? Shouldn’t they know giving me these fliers would be a waste of paper?

Each pamphlet must begin with the psychic or mediums life story, as it turns out to have psychic abilities you must have grown up in a Charles Dickens novel. Tragic parental deaths and orphanages seem to be a must when your looking for a psychic. Constant headaches at a young age are reportedly first signs of clairvoyance, and not just the end result of getting beat up for trying to read another kids palm during recess.

I have one flier that was handed to me that begins, and I quote, “I have spent my life hearing voices…” Which is ironic because as I was reading this I too heard a voice, one that said "let's back away from the man in the kilt now."

Some pamphlets offer the chance to get your aura photo taken. Essentially the thinking behind this is that depending on what colour glow there is around you in the photo, the type of person you are. Who knew there was such a lucrative market for poorly exposed pictures?

There is Numerology which says that putting a combination of numbers together will reveal such things as your purpose in life or your soul’s desires. Those mathalete’s always have to find a way to flaunt their knowledge over the rest of us, eh? You’d think that a new age paranormal get together would be a safe haven from math but no, there’s a guy playing with numbered dominos ready to tell you what your birthday is all about (though I am bad at math I’m going to say… cake.)

While Garlande was getting her fortune done I had some time to kill and decided to wonder over to the concession stands. There I found that a hot dog was five dollars. Shocked I ran to the nearest Psychic to find out if it would be worth it, I was told to put my name down for an appointment.

Now you may be sitting there thinking I’m being very closed minded, and for the record I am generally a very open minded person, I just have little tolerance for those who take advantage of the trusting. But if you still question whether I should give these psychics the benefit of the doubt let me leave you with this:

Well at the psychic convention Garlande and I were lucky enough to attend a lecture on communicating with animals. During this hour long demonstration I was distracted by the example, a rabbit, repeatedly trying to run away. What I did hear though is the works of one Eddie Murphy referenced repeatedly, and I learnt that not only do animals telepathically talk but they also change accents and languages depending what part of the world they are from.

One other note, as of next week Rocko the Rabbit will be taking over this column as I’ve been informed he is much funnier then I’ll ever be. Good luck to you Rocko.

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